“If something seems too good to be true, it probably is” - Idk, it's a common proverb

(I wrote this post in a pretty emotional state, so the content below is very spontaneous/dramatic and just whatever I felt like writing.)


So, last week was not exactly great 😩. In retrospect, it wasn’t even that bad, but I think its stark contrast with the almost immaculate week right before (Self Improvement Week) just makes it hurt so much infinitely more. It was a series of miseries layered upon each other, culminating in one big explosion, leaving me in this depressing, irksome, and frustrating place.

The week began with so much hope and sunshine! I just got off Self Improvement Week feeling more pumped than ever: readily sleeping at 12 am every night, starting to bike, and even exercising every day. Furthermore, my grades have been better than they have ever been: A+ in every single subject. I felt as if there is this omnipotent force supporting me. I was instilled with ordained powers, blessed with everything I had ever hoped to achieve for myself, marching straight towards the zenith of life.

But yet as the week went on, there was always this incessant feeling, minute yet palpable, chasing close behind me. It grew progressively more potent, more irritating, and more inevitable. The feeling that everything is going to fall, and all the good habits I have finally built for myself is gonna collapse in the split of a second. All the hard work, the aspirations, and the motivation will just come to a halt.

And it did, but not as abruptly as I had imagined. Instead, it was like a man slowly drowning in his own tears, without him even noticing. It was exactly the fear of losing everything that ignited the flame that burned it all. I felt pressed against an invisible cage, smothered in my own breathe. In response, I started to procrastinate, more and more and more. From just watching “TRYING EVERY BOBA SHOP IN SAN FRANCISCO” (I don’t even live in San Francisco smh 🥴) for 40 minutes to watching the full series of “Gourmet Makes” for hours - I lost control. I got my homework done, but nothing else, not even my Harvard Extension School homework.

As if it was all part of some cruel joke, things just kept getting worse 😭. My body started aching for absolutely no reason, and my entire face felt inflamed. The guardian angel who was protecting me just last week seemed to vanish, or instead, switched to stabbing me with a billion daggers. Due to this unexplained onset of infirmity, I had to opt-out of exercise for both Thursday and Friday (and probably today 💀). And of course, my oral ulcers returned 🙃, so my mouth stings with pain every time I move my tongue.

But hurry not, our tragic tale has yet to reach its climax, the ultimate scene, the last showstopper.

On Friday 10/16/2021, I got my AP Chem unit test score back, 89.

89????????????????????????? What The F***. I thought I got 102%!! NOT freaking 89%. And yes I know 89 is not horrible, but I have been literally getting 100 in every single chem test so far, even getting 1 extra point in one test and maintaining an overall average of 100.8%. This is just unacceptable.


For the rest of the day, and even this very moment, I am inundated with feelings of hopelessness. And I know it’s not even rational. This week is probably better than 80% of my weeks in 9th or 10th grade, yet somehow it feels infinitely worse, like my rope to heaven suddenly just snapped in half, and I am now forever suspended in the abyss.

And of course, I don’t even get a break: PSAT is on the very next day - Saturday. A completely useless test that basically wastes 4 hours of my life. Like, what even is the point of it? People usually take it to:

1. Get scholarship money (2k or something)
2. Put National Merit Society on college app for padding

But I neither needed the scholarship nor NMS on my college app, then why the heck did I wake up at 7 am in the morning, still filled with hatred of myself, sit at a squeaky shaky desk for 4 excruciating hours, bored out of my mind??? Even worse, because I’ve been procrastinating so much, I didn’t even finish my Harvard extension math homework yet. I couldn’t even work on it because I had to attend my math class immediately after PSAT.

So I burst.

Binge eating, the most primal and barbarian behavior. From Friday night to now, I ate 15 candy bars in total, to the point that I am currently nauseated and want to vomit out Milkyway bars.

I challenge you to count how many Milkway bars there are in this image.

Funny how vicious cycles work 🤡

1. I get sad
2. I eat Milkyway bars to make me feel less sad
3. I feel sad from eating Milkway bars and eat even more to feel better
4. :stonks_go_up:

Everything is just awful reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. 😩

Enough of my venting. I need recovery from this cursed, god-forbidden, dreadful week. But at the end of the day, I know it’s okay. Honestly, failing this week is probably a key step to continue Self Improvement Week in a reasonable and sustainable fashion.

The plan was too perfect, so much so that it was doomed to fail at the very beginning.
Of course, sickness will come at some point, it is literally flu season right now.
Of course, I can’t get perfect on AP Chem for every single test and assignment. That’s just an implausible goal, and I should just be content that I still have an A+ right now.
Of course, PSAT sucks, but it is part of life, and I am done with it now.
Of course, there will always be unfortunate events in my life, and I will be down and beaten again, but I cannot just sit and cry forever.
And sure, I overreacted and ate a few too many candy bars, so what? I am still in the position to achieve everything I wished for, and that’s what I should focus on instead.

SO NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE UP! 🔥🔥🔥
✨SELF IMPROVEMENT!✨ HERE WE GO FOR ANOTHER WEEK!

Thanks for reading!
Feel free to drop a comment on how sad you feel for codetiger 😢

CodeTiger
2021.10.16